A piece of me died with you, Dad...

Hey Everyone,

I'm really sorry for the lack of updates. It's been a month, and I haven't mentioned why, or what was the reason behind my hiatus. Although I really wanted to share with you all what I've been feeling, I've been putting off this post day after day. Mainly because talking about it tosses me into the reality of it, which I still can't believe it yet. Also, I've been unsure of how deep I should really go when talking about it. It's really hard for me not to go deep, because it's something that is so immersed in my soul.

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October 2nd, my Dad passed away. **I started writing the detailed story, but I think it's too detailed and maybe too personal to be posted. My hands are shaking as I type, so I'm just going to try making this part brief.** His death was something very unexpected. As far as we all knew, he was in good health and never suffered from any illnesses other than a common cold - even those were very rare because my Dad was a very tough man. Sunday morning/afternoon was a normal day at home. We carried out our normal duties, and my mother and me ran to the store for a little over an hour, and came back and found my Dad laying on the ground with no pulse. I called an ambulance as my brother tried to revive him, nothing happened. The paramedics came, and as hope filled in our hearts that he was going to be okay - they gave us all the worst words possible "I'm sorry.. but he's gone. There is nothing we can do." You can imagine how I felt. I fell to my knees along side my Dad in shock, disbelief, horror, confusion and completely heart-broken. How can this be??? He was fine a couple hours ago. He was laughing, smiling, cooking.. we were about to have a barbecue. My Dad didn't have a second chance and he was all alone when he had his last breath, which is the worse thing to swallow. I sat next to him, holding his hand for what seemed like hours until I was pulled away from him.

I'm not sure why, but my biggest fear in life was losing my parents. I was, and still am, scared of nothing but that. It was a fear that consumed me every day. It was always more-so my Dad than my Mom, because I saw my Dad getting older faster. It was something that became really hard on me, as I'm sure it is to anyone who sees their parents aging. For a normal person, you may think about it once in a while that your parents aren't going to be here some day, but for me, I thought about it several times a day - each day. Every time I looked at my Dad, my heart always weakened. My Dad and I had a very special bond, and although it wasn't always expressed verbally, we had a closeness deep in our hearts that no one could ever replace. My biggest nightmare was to ever lose my Dad before I spent the time I wanted to with him and learn about his life, his struggles, his deepest thoughts and emotions. I suppose no time is really "enough" time, but I wanted to hear about him from his own mouth, not from others.. because only my Dad knew himself best.

My biggest fear and nightmare came true on October 2nd. I never thought that God would take my Dad as soon as he did. My Dad died almost instantly from a massive heart attack, something that could of been prevented with routine check-ups.

It has been really hard on my family, as my Dad was the "rock" and the foundation of our family. He went above and beyond his whole life to provide for us and make sure we were always happy. I'm not saying this because it's my Dad, but I've never seen another Dad in my whole life do as much for their family as my Dad did - even on his last day of life.

My brother and me before the wake. It hurt him too much to be inside the house, and I tried to comfort him. We had a really deep conversation, and to me, these pictures are worth a million words. I see a lot of pain when I look at these photos.. like two children - lost souls in a big world without their Dad.

I've been able to get through my biggest fear by surrounding myself with the people that love me - staying very close to my Mom and brother, keeping myself busy, and having lots of faith. I know it may sound cliche, but when you want to comfort someone who lost a loved one, you'd usually say something like "they'll always be with you, they'll always be by your side." I wonder if those people really know the truth in that. I didn't know the truth in that until I lost my Dad. I know my Dad is still here. If he wasn't here, I wouldn't be able to be as strong as I am. But he is here comforting my family and me, and letting us know that he's okay and he loves us. I believe in signs from the spirits and I believe I've noticed several that were all from him. I ask him to visit me in my dreams, and sometimes he does...

My Dad and Me last October on vacation

I can easily curl up in a ball and lock myself in my room for weeks at a time, but for my family, myself and my Dad, I'm trying to be as strong as I can. I'm going to stay motivated and continue on with my life and doing the things I love - which of course, include blogging. I'm going to try stressing less and loving more.

From this whole experience, I've realized many things.
1) Life is short. You don't really understand how short it is until you lose someone you love.
2) You can't be prepared for death. You will never be prepared. The only thing you can do to prepare yourself is love the ones around you and don't "put-off" spending time with your loved ones for a rainy day. Love your loved ones every day.
3) Don't be selfish. Being selfish isn't good for your inner spirit. In order for your spirit to grow and to be happy from within, you can't be selfish.
4) Don't talk bad about others. If the people around you are talking negative about another person, be the one to change their thinking (to each their own?) or don't comment on the matter.
5) Don't hold grudges. What's the point?
6) Surround yourself with positive energy. Positive energy will motivate you. Negative energy will only bring you down.
7) Love everybody. Yep, everybody. This ties into #4 Don't talk bad about others. It's not right to judge another person for their beliefs, the way they were raised, their personality, the things they like, etc. Everyone is different and you have to be accepting of others. Once you accept others as they are, you'll feel such happiness from within. You are no better than anyone else. Having more money doesn't make you "better".
8) Always appreciate what others do for you. Don't expect anything from anyone ever and you won't be disappointed. When you're not expecting anything, that's when you're really thankful.
9) You were born as dust and you will leave as dust. You won't leave with your money or your expensive things. You can have expensive things, but you have to remain humble. Money isn't everything and vanity isn't everything.
10) Always be optimistic. Never give up, or lose hope. There are open doors for all of us in life.
11) Always attend a funeral/wake if you're able to. It means a lot to the family. I know it may not be an environment you like, because death is something that scares all of us, but I know how comforting it really is to have lots of people around you.
12) When someone you love dies, they are only gone physically. You can talk to them out loud any time you want, and they will listen to you.
13) You will have some days that are good and some that are bad. You can't be strong all of the time, and that is fine.
14) Be happy for what you have, and don't be bitter for what you don't have.
15) Don't be afraid of going to the doctor for a routine check-up.

There are so many things I can list, but those are just some of things that came into my head as I was typing.

I want to thank you all who left me beautiful messages on makeupalley, twitter and the mail. All of your prayers, wishes and kind words were are are so much appreciated. Thank you so, so much.

For those of you who lost a loved one, I feel for you deeply, and I hope you will keep your head up and remain positive through it all. Just know, when you're happy, your loved one is too.

Four roses from my Dad's funeral arrangement that stands for the four members of our family placed on the spot he died.  One is white, because he is an angel now. 

 

Luther Vandross - Dance with my Father 

This song is beautiful. If you have a minute, listen to it...